In a scathing review of last week’s mismanagement of the release of ten hostages from an upscale, downtown penthouse, Donald Hasketh, lead editor for The Coke Mirror, stated that a rabid dingo would have handled the situation with more sensitivity.
Following the statement, representatives for the negotiating team responsible for the release got drunk in a pub around the corner from the offices of The Coke Mirror, waited for Donald and his boys to enter the establishment, and attempted to solicit them for a friendly game of darts.
The exchange was caught on video, but, on the advice of attorneys from both sides, will not be released to the public.
Following their return to freedom, a number of the former hostages have been approached for comments on their traumatic experiences. In a short interview, Neil Anpre, the fourth hostage to be released, expressed bitter disapproval concerning how the situation was handled.
"I was very unhappy to have had the release negotiations so immediately successful. I almost had it all," he stated, through tears.
Apparently, the hostages were repeatedly threatened with a good time, and fed expensive gourmet food and top-quality libations. Then they were also offered large contracts and long-term employment within the firm that had hired the kidnappers.
Unfortunately, for them, their release was affected before any paperwork was signed, and any deals made at the time are not legally binding, because, in this day and age, a handshake ain’t worth shit.
Jake Snakesworth, PR manager for the mayor’s office, has expressed concern for the victims and their families. "We wish them all the best following this harrowing ordeal, and sincerely hope nothing similar is ever allowed to happen in our fair city again," he commented in a public statement.
He was seen a few hours later, playing beer pong with a couple of sexy, high-end birthday clowns, in an abandoned warehouse down at the docks. High as fuck. Or so sources claimed.
Although they did see a mountain of what they assumed was cocaine, they did not actually witness Mr. Snakesworth take any, nasally, or anally. And, as far as the witnesses could determine, they were not hitting the pipe, either.
"I never seen any of 'em sucking the devil's cock", as one of them so eloquently put it..
When one of the sex-clowns began randomly firing a shotgun into the walls, the witnesses hastily departed, fearing for the integrity of their own bags of cocaine.
Immediately following the release of the hostages, the negotiating team and the special forces unit assigned to the case were invited back to the suites used in the kidnapping incident, for dinner and drinks. They all accepted, and were reported to have partied long into the night.
It's been leaked that all of the food and all of the drinks were consumed, the mess cleaned up respectfully, and all of the recycling properly sorted. No clean-up costs will be shifted onto the bowed shoulders of the weary public due to this shindig.
Charges have not been laid, by either the hostages or members of local law enforcement. An anonymous special forces member assigned to the situation joked that the only charges against the kidnappers should be charges of awesomeness. He then made devil horns with his right hand and said, "Go Bears."
This reporter is inclined to agree. With both sentiments.
In a world where these kinds of things are increasingly common, one can’t help but wonder if they might find themselves in a similar situation. It’s not overly likely, but certainly not impossible.
We must take it upon ourselves to be aware and on guard at all times. And for God’s sake, have a reliable pen handy for signing any favourable documents, should you be offered the chance of a lifetime while temporarily detained against your will and plied with gourmet food and drink.
If there’s one thing we have learned from this ordeal, it’s that you can’t trust your elected representatives to have your best interests at heart. We must take it upon ourselves to be responsible for our own fortunes.
When a golden opportunity like the one in this situation presents itself, like a horny milf hungry for some D, sink your meat-hooks in deep, and hang on with everything you have, before "the man" fucks it all up.
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